Angela and I were having our usual quality time together (where I channel surf between “Man vs. Wild”, “Hottest Police Chase Videos” and “E! Hollywood True Story” while she yells at me to stop changing channels) when she said something that quite literally, freaked me out. “You know, some day, you’re going to have to tell Tyler about ‘the birds and the bees’.” She said this while making the quotation marks with her fingers as if I didn’t know that birds and the bees is a euphemism for you know what. “Whoa! Why do I have to have that talk? Why can’t you do it?” “He’s a boy,” Angela retorted, as if this makes all the sense in the world. In my book, I figure that he’s going to bird and bee with a woman so he might as well have a woman tell him about it. “Look, my dad never talked to me about the birds and the bees,” I protested, “In fact, I’d freak out if he did. I grew up the first twenty-two years of my life managing to ignore the fact that my parents engaged in birding and beeing. Just thinking about it gives me the willies! Blech!” “Well, you’re just going to have to do it.” I must admit that statements like this are what make me believe the superiority of the female species. Here I am trying to make a logical argument and Angela doesn’t even play the game. She just says that I got to do it, case closed. Can you imagine her as a lawyer making her closing argument? I don’t care that he is a blind, quadraplegic ninety year-old who was in Albuquerque during the time of the murder! He’s obviously the killer. Hellooooo. I bet he channel-surfs too! So for the last couple of days, I’ve been playing the scenario over and over again in my mind: TAKE 1: [Scene is at a dock on a lake where we are fishing, sort of like a commercial for the Church of Latter Day Saints] “Well, you know Tyler, in nature, have you ever noticed that momma and daddy birds have baby birds and there is always a heck of a lot of bees—do you know where they all come from?” “From God?” I could imagine Tyler saying. “Well, yes, but do you know the methodology in which God creates new beings? Have you ever seen birds or bees ‘wrestling’ with each other?” “No.” “Actually, come to think of it, neither have I. How do birds have sex anyway? And bees actually reproduce asexually where the worker female bees are haploid clones of the queen bees. Who came up with the ridiculous term ‘bird and bees’ anyway? You can’t even use them as examples!” TAKE 2: [Scene is at the Saint Louis Zoo at the rhinoceros exhibit while they are conveniently birding and beeing.] “Daddy, what are they doing?” “I’m glad you asked son. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this. They are making a baby through the act of coitus. The daddy rhino is sowing a million seeds into the tummy of mommy rhino who has another little seed. They combine to grow into a baby rhino! This miracle is called ‘sex’ and basically all living beings do it in order to reproduce—except for haploid worker bees.” “I thought pee came out of there.” “Well, yes, but sometimes seeds come out.” “If there is a baby in the tummy, where does mommy’s food go?” “Well, actually, it isn’t mommy’s food tummy but a special baby space called the ‘uterus’.” “Then why do chickens lay eggs?” “Well, they create external uteri to decrease gestation and increase the number of offspring.” “Daddy, you told me that babies were created through asexual budding.” “That was God’s original plan but Adam and Eve screwed it up before he could create the third sex.” See what I mean? No matter how I play out the scenario, it causes more confusion than it solves. I have no personal experience in which to draw from! I think in Asian culture, they depend on junior high health class or, if all else fails, porn to teach pre-pubescent kids about the mechanics of it. How did you all learn about the birds and the bees? HELP! | 
