Currently The Best Damn Drug Rehab Book: The must-have Substance Abuse and Narcotics Addiction Guide By Ryan Wade Brown see related

Confessions of An Airborne Addict

            I don’t know how it happened.  One day you’re trying to fend off the sniffles that is filling your house with germs and the next day you’re freebasing the stuff.  I know that on the side of the circular container it says “take a tablet every three to four hours with a maximum of four a day” but my philosophy about that kind of stuff is sort of like those freeway signs that tell you a curve is approaching and to slow down to 50 mph.  Well, everyone knows that those limits are for trucks (why else would there be a tilted truck on the sign?) and that a regular passenger car can go about twice that.  I figure it’s the same thing with Airborne limits.  The four tablet maximum is for 25 pound eleven year-olds so I figure since I’m 38 and 160 pounds, I could take about four tablets every ten minutes. 

            For a long time, I was in denial that I had a problem.  Angela tried to confront me when she found a kilo of Sam’s Club packages of Airborne (with a street value of $56.27).  When she asked me why even the milk in my cereal was effervescing, I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to keep it from her much longer.  I think the last straw for her was when I tried to snort lines of it on a mirror with a rolled up Benjamin and ended up foaming at the nose. 

            So I went to rehab.  Surprisingly, I didn’t see a single celebrity there.  I guess the Missouri Re-hab Clinic in Festus isn’t the “in” place for celebrities to go to.  I did make friends with a guy named “Bubba”.  We sat around in a circle boo-hooing about our neglectful parents while we all had the shakes because of going through withdrawal.  Overall, it was fun and I could see why celebrities like to go back. 

I decided to turn my mishap into a teaching moment for the kids since Angela and I hadn’t talked to them about drugs yet.  So I took out a pan, some eggs and started to fry them up telling them that this was their brain on drugs.  Then we practiced yelling “NO!” at the frying pan before we ate our brains with ketchup and some whole wheat toast.  While dining, Tyler asked a good question—he asked what actually represented the drugs; the frying pan, the heat or the non-stick Pam spray.  I admitted to him I didn’t really know but that we should say, “No” to all three, just in case. 

I know I deserve this.  Every single time I’m judgmental against someone, God puts a big ole plank in my eye to teach me a lesson.  I guess I shouldn’t have been so judgmental against Alex Rodriguez for injecting ‘roids nor towards Michael Phelps for smoking a bong the size of our canister vacuum cleaner.  This makes me nervous because a couple days ago, I was really judgmental towards that woman that had octuplets as a single mom—not because she had more kids but because she had plastic surgery to look like Angelina Jolie.  So the next time you see me, if I have really big, collagen-filled lips, you’ll know why. 

Currently Reading Soon I Will be Invincible (Vintage) By Austin Grossman see related

Geek Training 201

This past weekend, I made major headway with my geek training plan for my two oldest children, Tyler and Maya.  Along with the help of Cris, we took them to Indianapolis for Gen Con 2008!  For those of you woefully ignorant in all things Geek, Gen Con Indy is the largest gaming convention in North America--think Urbana but for gamers.  Started in 1968 by none other than Gary Gygax himself (don't even tell me you don't know who that is), this convention is the mecca of any person who has ever thrown a twenty-sided die.  It has been one of my life goals to go to Gen Con Indy (right between kayaking the Amazon and reading the unabridged version of Les Miserables) and not only was I able to attend, but I was able to bring Tyler and Maya too! 

Anyway, after telling Angela that we were going to the zoo for the day, I went and picked up Cris, a fellow gaming maniac.  It is a three and a half hour drive to Indianapolis so I maximized on the absence of my meddling wife and her socially capable influences to do some heavy indoctrinating of the kids.  Here is an example of the kind of conversations Cris and I were modeling to the kiddos:

Bum:I seriously don’t think time travel could ever happen without ripping the space-time continuum unless there are parallel universes where both realities could simultaneously exist.

Cris:What about traveling to the future where you don’t necessarily mess with the past and inadvertently create two realities?

Bum:I could see that happening more than traveling in the past.But then you might run into your future self and again, I don’t think that would be possible without creating another parallel universe…

So after three and a half hours of this, we finally made it to the convention center and it was freakin' awesome!  Even before we made it to the exhibit hall, we ran into three storm troopers, seven pirates, two elves and a gaggle of undead.  Of course, there were the twenty thousand or so pimply, unkempt mostly male in jeans and black T-shirts that said, "Speak Nerdy to Me" as far as the eye could see.  In a moment of compassion, I just wanted to hug them all and tell them that high school does end and that Bill Gates could pay Michael Jordan's 1997 salary 1300 times. 

Tyler and Maya loved it!  I got tears in my eyes as I watched them roll dice for the demo games, paint miniatures at the Paint and Take, ran after a working R4-P17 and asked if we could come back next year dressed as anime characters.  Next year, I'm going to have to figure out how to sneak Ayla away as well seeing as to how she is turning out to be unusually beautiful and socially adept as well.  Angela was a little suspicious as to why we left for the zoo at a 5:45 in the morning...

Currently Gaming Worms Armageddon By Atari see related

How To Know If You Have a Tapeworm...

            I just returned from a week-long trip from Addis Ababa, Ethiopia to help set up a summer mission project for this next summer.  The people are beautiful, the weather is unbelievable and there is an Acts-like revival going on there.  BUT, I just have one small, teensy-weensy amendment to make to an otherwise incredibly helpful guidebook from Lonely Planet publishers.  If you turn to page 69 of the 2006 3^rd edition of Ethiopia & Eritrea, you’ll see a very small warning to the right of the paragraph talking about Kitfo, a delicacy of raw ground beef:  “If you become a massive fan of kitfo or tere sega, best get tested for tapeworms (see p375) when you get home.  Hopefully, there will be no pain to go with your tasty gain.”  This lackluster warning is written in a space so tiny, I can cover it with my thumb.

            For those of you planning on going to Ethiopia and using this guidebook, I have conveniently made a replacement warning for you to insert into your book:

Have you ever wondered how truck stop toilets get the way they are?  Have you ever wanted to see what happens when you combine a volcano, an M-80 and Niagara Falls into your lower intestine?  Have you ever wanted to fear passing gas on a 20-hour plane ride home because you weren’t quite sure what the final results would be so you go to the bathroom every half hour, annoying the heck out of the Indian electrical engineer in 36H who you tried to have a spiritual conversation with but chickened out?  If you answered yes to any of these questions and you have western stomach lining as sensitive as a baby’s cheeks, then eat kitfo! 

            I don’t know what the heck I was thinking, especially since it’s one of InterVarsity’s cardinal rules on missions overseas:  DO NOT EAT UNCOOKED MEAT.  (It’s the one between DO NOT MAKE OUT WITH THE NATIONALS and DO NOT BE A MULE FOR DRUG DEALERS.)  Maybe it was the fact that I was getting only three hours of sleep a night due to jet lag.  Maybe I was trying to prove my non-westerness to our gracious hosts and to eat what they ate.  Maybe it was the fact that I grew up eating raw bulgogi, a Korean beef dish (although I do remember my mom boiling our underwear when we got worms from it).  Whatever the cause, learn from my mistake and for the love of cross-cultural witness, do not do it!

            Having gone and returned from my own stupidity, I have to confess that I am entirely intrigued by the possibility of hosting a tapeworm.  For being a parasite, tapeworms are relatively benign until they reach the 7 meter stage at which they are reaching the limits of your intestinal length.  Do you know that each of the segments that break off (called proglottids) carry both male and female reproductive systems and can crawl around once excreted until they dry up and burst eggs?  Did you know that tapeworms require two hosts—one to injest these eggs that turn into larvae in cyst form anywhere inside the body and then a second host that injests these cysts that hatch into adults?  Finally, did you know that there are about 1,000 human cases of tapeworm infection in the US each year and that likely, thousands more go untreated and unnoticed?  Most of these cases results in cat owners.

           As the Great Healer helps me rise above my personal biases against cats and the deserving masochists who risk loved ones by bringing these harbingers of pestilence into their houses, I have provided a quick diagnostic tool to tell whether or not you’ve got at least one tapeworm:

1. You’ve always wondered why those rice-like granules in your stools seem to be moving but have been too embarrassed to ask anyone about it. 
2. You have similar symptoms to Irritable Bowel Syndrome, food allergies or eating overly spicy food—and you’re not in love.
3. Remember the scene in the first Alien movie where the guy eats ravenously right before the thing pops out of his chest?  You eat like that without gaining weight.
4. You feel really paranoid about having tapeworms after reading this.

           It is disappointingly simple to get rid of tapeworms—you just take some pills.  I’ll also post to tell you of any symptomatic changes if I do have a tapeworm and maybe some photos of it’s development (sort of like those pregnancy books that have progressive development drawings of the embryo).

           Speaking of warnings, here is another one that should be posted in airplane bathrooms:  NEVER, EVER FLUSH THE TOILET WHILE REMAINING SEATED.

Currently Watching The Birds, the Bees and the Italians (Signore & Signori [Non-US Format, PAL region 2]) By Virna Lisi, Gastone Moschini see related

The Birds and The Bees

Angela and I were having our usual quality time together (where I channel surf between “Man vs. Wild”, “Hottest Police Chase Videos” and “E! Hollywood True Story” while she yells at me to stop changing channels) when she said something that quite literally, freaked me out. 

“You know, some day, you’re going to have to tell Tyler about ‘the birds and the bees’.”  She said this while making the quotation marks with her fingers as if I didn’t know that birds and the bees is a euphemism for you know what. 

“Whoa!  Why do I have to have that talk?  Why can’t you do it?” 

“He’s a boy,” Angela retorted, as if this makes all the sense in the world.  In my book, I figure that he’s going to bird and bee with a woman so he might as well have a woman tell him about it. 

“Look, my dad never talked to me about the birds and the bees,” I protested, “In fact, I’d freak out if he did.  I grew up the first twenty-two years of my life managing to ignore the fact that my parents engaged in birding and beeing.  Just thinking about it gives me the willies!  Blech!”

“Well, you’re just going to have to do it.”  I must admit that statements like this are what make me believe the superiority of the female species.  Here I am trying to make a logical argument and Angela doesn’t even play the game.  She just says that I got to do it, case closed.  Can you imagine her as a lawyer making her closing argument?  I don’t care that he is a blind, quadraplegic ninety year-old who was in Albuquerque during the time of the murder!  He’s obviously the killer.  Hellooooo.  I bet he channel-surfs too!

 So for the last couple of days, I’ve been playing the scenario over and over again in my mind:

TAKE 1:  [Scene is at a dock on a lake where we are fishing, sort of like a commercial for the Church of Latter Day Saints]

“Well, you know Tyler, in nature, have you ever noticed that momma and daddy birds have baby birds and there is always a heck of a lot of bees—do you know where they all come from?”

            “From God?” I could imagine Tyler saying.

            “Well, yes, but do you know the methodology in which God creates new beings?  Have you ever seen birds or bees ‘wrestling’ with each other?”

            “No.”

            “Actually, come to think of it, neither have I.  How do birds have sex anyway?  And bees actually reproduce asexually where the worker female bees are haploid clones of the queen bees.  Who came up with the ridiculous term ‘bird and bees’ anyway?  You can’t even use them as examples!”

TAKE 2:  [Scene is at the Saint Louis Zoo at the rhinoceros exhibit while they are conveniently birding and beeing.]

            “Daddy, what are they doing?”

            “I’m glad you asked son.  I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this.  They are making a baby through the act of coitus.  The daddy rhino is sowing a million seeds into the tummy of mommy rhino who has another little seed.  They combine to grow into a baby rhino!  This miracle is called ‘sex’ and basically all living beings do it in order to reproduce—except for haploid worker bees.”

            “I thought pee came out of there.”

            “Well, yes, but sometimes seeds come out.”

            “If there is a baby in the tummy, where does mommy’s food go?”

            “Well, actually, it isn’t mommy’s food tummy but a special baby space called the ‘uterus’.”

            “Then why do chickens lay eggs?”

            “Well, they create external uteri to decrease gestation and increase the number of offspring.”

            “Daddy, you told me that babies were created through asexual budding.”

            “That was God’s original plan but Adam and Eve screwed it up before he could create the third sex.”

See what I mean?  No matter how I play out the scenario, it causes more confusion than it solves.  I have no personal experience in which to draw from!  I think in Asian culture, they depend on junior high health class or, if all else fails, porn to teach pre-pubescent kids about the mechanics of it.  How did you all learn about the birds and the bees?  HELP!

Currently Watching The Sopranos - The Complete Seasons 1 - 6 see related

The Mob is Unavoidable

Radio Shack is a front for the mob.  Think about it for a little bit—who goes to Radio Shack?  For your component needs, you can buy the same stuff at Best Buy or Circuit City for a third of the cost.  How the heck do they stay in business?  And have you noticed that all of the people working there are middle-aged men wearing slacks and ties with no real knowledge of any of the products and have less customer service than your cell phone provider?  Sure, every once in a while you get someone working there under the age of 35 but they only work the mall branches and are the nieces and nephews of mob bosses.

Other businesses run by the mob:

• Fuddruckers
• Bally’s
• Dress Barn
• Northwest Airlines
• Department of Motor Vehicles
• Illinois, New Jersey and half of Florida

What exactly is a front for the mob?  If not to sell remote controlled dinosaurs, what exactly happens at Radio Shack?  Of course, we all know that it is to launder money.  For those of you too innocent to be familiar with the machinations of the illicit underground, let me give you a quick primer from my mob days back in the 60’s when I was a part of the KK’s, a west coast conglomerate working with the Korean “Chae-bols”:  So let’s say you amass a couple million dollars from your favorite illegal activity—how are you going to get that money into circulation without Uncle Sam knocking on your door and sending your butt to jail like they did with Al Capone and John Gotti.  You set up a “legitimate” business to run that money through.  Capice?

After I “retired” from the mob back in 1976, I began work writing screenplays for Korean movies based off of my experiences.  Here are some examples:

• Hi, Dharma!:  Where we fight a bunch of monks only to become friends with them in the end.
• Friend:  Where I had my best friend from High School assassinated which sent me into depression and prison.
• Marrying the Mafia:  Where we got some poor muggle completely drunk and married to my younger sister.
• My Wife, the Gangster:  Where my younger sister consistently kicks some major hiney.
• My Boss, My Hero:  Where I return to high school to get my GED. 
• A Tale In Autumn:  Where I (as a toddler) switch babies so that this girl I have a crush on becomes my sister and we grow up together with awkward feelings for each other only to find that we aren’t really related and can date but I move away to return years later with other love interests but finally get together only for her to contract cancer and die while I give her the last piggy-back ride of her tragic life on the beach.
• Marrying the Mafia 2:  How I finally give up the gangster life for Angela, who happens to be the chief prosecutor. (Yes, this was after finally healing over the loss of my first love which was the basis for Sassy Girl.)

Pretty much if you watch these movies in this order, you’ll piece together the story of my life, minus the ninja stuff, of course.